When I was a kid my grandfather lived in Scarborough on the North Yorkshire coast. And he was a lunatic. He had wild, white hair that stuck out in lots of different directions (a bit like Einstien's or an albino Beaker from the Muppets) and he had this permanent half-grin on his face. When we stayed with him - which we did for about 5 weeks a year - he would regularly look over at me as if he had never seen me before. He would fix his gaze right into my eyeballs and then raise his right index finger and speaking in a drawn-out Yorkshire accent "who... are you?" My brothers and I used to find it pretty funny - and my grandfather did too - but there was more to it than just joking around; he wanted us to really think about that question. He said it was the most important question in the world. And I think he was right. (As an interesting aside, when my grandfather got older he got senile dementia and then he really did keep asking who I was and at some point along the line he came to believe that I was an old school-friend of his called Sonny Cawper. Life is an interesting thing.)
I've been thinking about that question a lot recently - who am I? And I've also been tacking onto it a subsequent question - and what am I for? And when I've been reading the bible I've realised that nearly all the big players - Jesus, Paul, Peter, John - built everything on top of their understanding of who they were. Jesus knew he was Son of God and Son of Man. Paul knew he was apostle to the gentiles. Peter knew he was a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ. John knew that he was the beloved disciple, called to testify of the eternal life that he has seen and heard and touched. And so I ask myself the question - what is the foundation that I am building my life on? Who do I really think that I am? Because who I think I am will set the direction for all my actions and my desires and and hopes. And maybe you are in the same place too? Maybe you also are not yet able to sign off a letter with your name and a pithy description of your true identity?
And so, if we are truly to discover who we are, where do we look? Well, I think we could do a lot worse than to start with 1 Tim 1:15:
"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life"
Out of this I take two major things:
1) I am a redeemed punk. I was a wicked man. I was an utter divhead. While I had some appearance of goodness, at my core I was actually hideously corrupted. I could find no valid basis for my identity within my own self. And yet Jesus came and rescued me. Jesus came and uncorrupted me. Jesus came and, in his mercy, began to fix my mind and my soul and my heart. Jesus gave me a basis of my identity that is in him. And so I am no longer 'the worst of sinners' but I am 'the worst of sinners who has been shown mercy'. My identity rests not in me but in what He has done to me - in how he has turned me around and made me new.
2) I am God's gift to the world. God has chosen to do something in me as a present to the whole world - to show others that they can have hope, to show others that they can have life. My identity is intrinsically linked to mission to people, to the salvation of the world. My identity is not just something to build me up but to build into God's over-arching desire to see all people set free.
And so, man of God, I encourage you to think upon these things. To find time to chew on these words. And after chewing on them to spend time in silence before the Father asking him to weld them into you and emboss them all over you. For if we do, then we really come to know who we are. And, once we know who we are then we can really live the full life that we are called to.
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